COLLEGE PUMPKINS GONE WILD!!!
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A Dallas City Councilman wants to pass a new city procedure that would require 911 Operators that receive calls for Ambulance or Paramedic assistance to get a credit card number from callers before dispatching assistance.
Yes, it’s true. I can’t make this stuff up.
A possible future call.
Operator: “911 Emergency”
Caller: “Help!! I’m on fire!! Help!!”
Operator: “What card will you be paying with tonight sir?”
Caller: “Aaarrrrgggg!! Help meeeeee!! Aaarrrggggggg”
Operator: ” Sir we take Visa, American Express, Masterc……”
Caller: “Aaaaarrrrggggg…..I’ts….a……V….IIIIII….sssssss…Aaaaaaaarrrgggggggg Help Me Please……Number…..672….aaaaarrrgggg…76…….Oooooowwwwwwwwww….4327…………expires 5/11……Aaaaaaarrrgggggg For the Love of God Please send help!! I’m burning!!!!”
Operator: “Let me repeat that sir….Visa 672764327 Expires 5 of 2011?”
Caller: ” AAAAAArrrrrrggggggggg The Pain!! The Pain!!…..Aaaaarggggggg!!”
Operator: Thank you sir…I have your confirmation code…do you have a pen handy?”
Caller” I’m coming towards the light Mama…aaaaarrrggggg…I’m comin towards the light!…..Aaaaarrrrrgggggg”
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Last night, a friend of mine posted on her FACEBOOK page that she had attended……..a QUILT GUILD Meeting!! Yes, a QUILT GUILD MEETING!!! I know I know….I was just as shocked as you probably are!!
I too thought we had rid the USA of these radical anarchists decades ago. But no, apparently…despite all the strides we have made in our great land, there is still at least one pocket of citizens who so little of the unwritten laws of human decency and respect…..that they formed another dreaded QUILT GUILD. I am so sad that my dear friend has gone to the dark side and joined this group of backwards thinking nutjobs. I shall pray that she comes to her senses quickly and can escape their evil clutches before she becomes a full-blown, gun-waving, Government hating member of THE QUILT GUILD!!
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The Quilters Guild #239 of East Omaha, Nebraska
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A tragic thing happened yesterday evening in a small nearby town. The KWIK STOP burned down. The KWIK STOP, a combination Convenience Store, Gas Station, Fine Dining establishment, and the center of all social interaction for the town, is no more. This morning, hundreds of overweight locals are standing in the street, staring at the smoldering ruins, tears streaming down their faces, wondering where in the world they will get their usual morning 96 ounce soft drink. What a sad, sad scene.
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I must be luckiest dude on the face of the planet! Every day I get about a half-dozen emails from numerous African Princes, Dukes, Counts, and Kings all explaining that I alone have been chosen to share in a great fortune of money that they have recently come into. Lucky Lucky me!!
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Speaking of FACEBOOK, the all-dominating center of the universe as we know it, my Cousin Whitney and I were having an interesting online chat (on FACEBOOK) about one of our favorite subjects, SEINFELD. As huge addicts and fans of the show, we both agreed that the characters on the show would all be having a field day with the current state of our FACEBOOK and TWITTER dominated society. George in particular would be a basket case, always worried about how many FACEBOOK friends he has, jealous that Newman has hundreds more than him, causing George to spend hours online creating fake accounts for people like “Art Vandelay” and “Buck Naked” so that these fake people could become FACEBOOK friends with him. George would, of course, use a High School photo of him with hair on his FACEBOOK page, he would list himself as an Architect, and would be advertising that he is looking for a female soul-mate who has a “pinkish hue” to her cheeks.
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College Cats gone wild!
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For years, I have been trying to convince my wife that we need to retire in Red River, New Mexico….my favorite place on Earth. The wife wants to retire in Austin, Texas….her favorite place on Earth. In her mind, she is the major bread winner of the family, therefore we are destined for old age in Austin. Me, I think that destiny has major plans for us in Red River and I see little subtle hints that lead me down that road of belief. The other day my wife’s retirement account statement from the Teachers Retirement System of Texas arrived in the mail. While the TRS is located in Austin (which my wife takes as a sign from above)…..the actual office is located on RED RIVER STREET!! Hint hint… I say that is a major hint from above that we need to live in Red River. My wife has not budged in the slightest, telling me to look real close at the name of the TRS Administrator that signed her annual statement. The woman’s name: Mya Idiotubbie.
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Today as I was preparing to step into the shower I noticed one those minuscule little “free” body wash and shampoo containers that we all love to swipe from the finer hotels in the world. This tiny little bottle had the “Sheraton” label so happily snapped it up and took it into the shower looking forward to using it instead of the usual cheapo wet-mullet smelling swill I usually use from Wal-Mart. I got in, got my trusted SpongeBob scrubbie, squeezed all the contents of the small bottle onto the scrubbie and commenced happily scrubbing. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed but for the life of me, I could not work up the slightest bit of a lather. The stuff smelled real good, alot better than wet-mullet, but not a bubble was to be seen anywhere. So, be warned if you stay at a Sheraton. The Sheraton brand Body Lotion is worthless and will not lather up worth a bean!
My wife later informed me that apparently body lotion is meant to be applied AFTER you shower….to dry skin. How the Heck was I supposed to know that? It doesn’t say that on the bottle! Where’s my trusty wet-mullet!!? Why is life so confusing?
Yet another huge car bombing in Pakistan today. Business as usual for that Country. But what can you expect from a country where QUILT GUILDS are allowed to operate without restrictions? Before you know it, that chaos will all find it’s way to our shores…..
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