Luck of the Draw

“I’m not going to have to check your prostate today, but I will need to check you for a hernia.  So if you could drop your pants for me.”

“Damn it” I thought as the doctor cupped my balls.

“Alright, now turn your head and cough.”

“Huh?”

“Turn your head and cough please,” the doctor repeated.

I repeated “Huh?”

I wanted to make eye contact with him while my nuts were in his latex playground.  If he was going to make me feel awkward, I would up the ante, if for no other reason than for giggles I would enjoy later.

“This is how I check you for a hernia,” said the doc losing patience.  “Please just turn your head and cough.”

I finally obliged.

“Thank you” he said with a hint of facetiousness.

“No, thank you” I replied with a sinister smile on my face.

Without making eye contact, the doctor wrote some stuff down, told me to get dressed, and said he would be right back.  I reassembled my wardrobe, sat down, and started flipping through an issue of Field and Stream.  For some reason, I always start at the back of magazines and work my way forward.  I think it’s a disease, but nowadays what isn’t?  As I start flipping forward, I come across page 80 that has a big picture of a salmon making its way upstream.  In the background, which also happens to be further upstream, there is a large, out of focus bear hungrily waiting.

“Poor fool” I thought.  “You should have just stayed in the ocean instead of following your moron herd back to the spawning waters.  Everybody thinks you’re unique because you swim against the current, but your still an ignorant fool being led to death.”

As I completed this thought, the doctor reentered.

“Well Mr. Almand, everything looks to be O.K.  I’m going to write you a prescription for your insomnia.  It’s a little white pill you need to take just before bed.  Now, it may make you drowsy for a while, even after 8 hours of sleep.  So when you wake up, you need to take another pill to offset that.  It’s a mild stimulant.  However, this pill might give you tremors, so you will also need to take an anxiety pill to prevent this…”

As the doctor continued I thought, “Lucky, god damn salmon.”

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