Just because my eyes dont tear, doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t cry & just because I come off strong doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong
Today, I had to go see my ex-husband to beg him to go get my medications for me. Not a happy sight since we are divorced for his abusive behavior. But they are my heart medications so it was either go with out them or ask someone and I feel I’ve panhandled Larry and my Grandma enough to last them a year, if not more.
I want to self-mutilate so bad right now, but I know I have to fight the urge. After all, thats the whole reason why I’m at my mom’s house. I have been bad about it pone too many times and fear as often as the urge is coming on that one day I might just take it too far and slice through a major artery. How can one person have so much to live for and so little left for life? I ask myself this all the time and never can seem to find an answer.
My mouth and body are in manic mode, my head is in depressed mode, driving my mom nuts right now. LOL. Kinda like it since it means I’m up doing things even if I’m in a fog doing them. Today I worked on 2 wreaths to try to sell on ebay, made fudge mini cakes, peppermint fudge mini cakes, washed Tiger (my truck), cleaned moms house and did her laundry, put away her groceries, and made 4 shoe boxes full of christmas stuff for her church to give to this organization that donates them to children. All in All her church made a 100 boxes, I made a whole 4 of them. I’m proud of myself for getting up and doing things, but like I said I’ve been in a fog doing it.
I have been walking, but it doesnt work with me like the gym did. This time last year I was doing 7 days a week, 2 hours a day. I so wish I could get back into that. I was losing weight and my mind wasn’t as bad as it is this year. I was actually proud of myself. Another thing that has me down is no money. I want to add things to my blog and in order to do so, i have to buy the domain and set it up. Can’t do much without money and I’m seeing that. But at the same time, I can’t work, my mind is too fucked up right now to do anything like working. Plus my cuts don’t look good in my line of work where your dealing with the public so most employers won’t hire me anyway.
I fucking hate that I don’t know where I am anymore. I’m so tired, I’m waiting for sleep to come even though I won’t sleep. The last time I had a decent nights sleep was in Georgia a few weeks ago. I wish I had had more time to visit my dear friend longer……
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